Today is proving to be much better than yesterday. I really haven’t felt too hungy today at all. I’ve been very conscientious about drinking plenty of water. I stayed busy at work today. To be honest, getting through the work day was a breeze.
And then I came home…
You see, my wife makes the most incredible tasting and aromatic pico de gallo salsa that there ever was. The minute I opened the door, my nostrils filled with the smell of ripe tomatoes, freshly sliced onions, garlic, jalepeno and, best of all, cilantro. Immediately visions of crisp tortilla chips with huge mounds of pico de gallo danced through my head. I complimented Delia on the wonderful smell she had created. She was so apologetic. She genuinely felt bad, I think. The last thing I want is for her to think that she cannot cook all of her wonderful food any more. She still has to feed herself and the kid!
It really wasn’t nearly as bad as I make it sound…but it did smell pretty amazing. Delia was on her way out the door to some kind of recipe sharing party. She took our daughter Soledad. Now it’s just me and the dogs. At least she took the pico de gallo with her.
I should go do something positive. I guess it’s time for my walk…
One of the commitments that I made to myself this week (I am trying to focus on short term goals) is to walk at least 10 minutes per day every day. Last night, I took a walk with my wife and daughter. Once around the block (we have pretty big blocks here in Texas…).
It was an utterly humiliating experience. I had to stop about two-thirds of the way through to sit down and take a two minute break. Endurance-wise, it wasn’t that bad at all…sure I was huffing and puffing, but I could have kept going. My problem is the pain. By the time I reached the first corner on our short trek around the block my back was hurting badly. My shins were sore, my knees and ankles hurt…and my feet were absolutely killing me. I don’t think I was wearing the best shoes for walking (I was wearing Crocs…yeah, those goofy rubber shoes with holes in them). I need to buy some new shoes. I desperately hope this will help. It’s so hard for me to shop for shoes. Not only do I have long, very wide feet, I also have terrible edema in my feet, ankles and calves (one of the many complications of morbid obesity). I tend to avoid shopping for new shoes as it’s always such a frustrating and embarrassing experience. I absolutely must get some kind of walking shoes that are comfortable and provide better support.
I know that if I continue walking every day, the pain will quickly start to go away. I just have to keep it up…
This morning I am enjoying a cup of hot tea…and I mean really enjoying it! It’s Earl Gray, hot - just like Captain Picard drinks on Star Trek the Next Generation. Only into the second day of my first week on the liquid diet, I am beginning to realize how addicted to eating I really am. This has been tough so far…really, really tough. However, when you remove 99% of the options from your diet, a thing as simple as a cup of hot tea becomes special. As I drink it, I savor the flavor and armoa. The experience of it. The house is cool this morning and the tea is warming and comforting.
Last night I had numerous nightmares about eating. I kept dreaming that I was cheating on my diet. In my dreams I was on this liquid only diet. They all seemed to have a theme of “accidentally”, or subconsciously, eating something and then realizing what I had done and going into a panic becuase I had cheated on my diet and ruined all of my hard work. For example, in one dream, I entered the kitchen to get a glass of water. As I stood there drinking, I looked down to see a plate of Ritz Crackers. Without even thinking, I reach down and grab a few of them and start munching away. A few crackers later, I remember that I am on my pre-surgery liquid only diet and start to panic. What have I done!? So many things start racing through my head…am I going to have to reschedule my surgery? If I do have to reschedule, are they going to charge me some outrageous fee? Surely they will! Oh my goodness, Delia will be so frustrated and disappointed with me. Gasp! What about work? It’s taken me weeks to coordinate my work on the two high profile projects I’m on so that I can take off two weeks without being bothered by work. One project actually scheduled a major deadline around my PTO (personal time off…that’s what they call vacation at the company I am employed by…I guess they couldn’t come up with an acronym for ‘vacation’). I awaken; I have to go pee. I still feel tremendous anxiety from the nightmare. Did I eat something last night? I sigh with relief. No, I didn’t…it was just a bad dream.
This went on throughout the night. I have been drinking so much water that I had to get up several times throughout the night to use the restroom. Each time I awoke from a similar nightmare. Needless to say it was a long, restless night.
This morning, however, as I sit here typing away, sipping on my now warm tea (it’s definitely better hot), I feel calm, relaxed. I did make it through the first 24 hours…and no, I didn’t eat anything. I don’t feel hungry this morning at all. I am ready for Day Two!
Today is my first day of the week long pre-op liquid diet. I made it through my work day pretty uneventfully; it wasn’t too bad at all. Tried to stay busy and drank lots of water. Getting ready to go for a walk. It’s hard to get motivated. I don’t know why the thought of exercise has become such anathema to me. I will focus on changing my attitude about this. For example, today is a beautiful day outside. Spring is here and the flowers, trees and plants are starting to bloom. I will listen for birds chirping; I find that to be very calming. It will help if I focus on other things besides the actual walking.
Hmmm…sounds so cheesey and corny…but it’s true! Today I begin the week long pre-gastric bypass diet. This diet is a liquid only diet. I am to take my post-surgery vitamin supplements daily (which I’ve been doing for a few weeks now) as well as protein supplements. This morning I actually feel great. I am very motivated and know that I am already succeeding and will meet all of my goals. Here is a list of my short term goals.
- I will Get through this week while following the required liquid only diet.
- I will walk for at least 10 minutes per day every day this week (to some this may sound like I’m aiming a little low, but trust me, when you are 410 lbs and out of shape, this is a feat).
- I will seek support from my wife, friends and family every day.
- I will talk to my wife, tell her how I am feeling and what my challenges are every day.
- I will drink alot of water and ensure that where ever I am, I always have water with me to drink.
- I will take my vitamin supplements and protein supplements at the same time each day.
- I will wake up and go to bed at the same time each day.
- I will write in my blog at least once per day.
Well, this is a good start. I will focus on these 8 goals this week. I will focus on a positive attitude and not think about the things that cause me anxiety or fear. I will allow myself to feel proud and happy when I meet these goals, even though they are small ones.
I want to pick up a new scale. The bathroom scale that we currently own does not have the capacity to measure my weight. I think it will be very important to be able to keep track of my weight throughout this process. It will keep me motivated when I see that I am losing weight. I will post my weights here on this blog as I take them.
ONE WEEK UNTIL SURGERY DATE!!
I am dreading going to work today. It feels like I have so much going on and never enough time to do everything. I feel like I am always behind at work and never doing a good job, even though I get very positive feedback from my supervisor and peers. Yesterday I started taking Wellbutrin again (an anti-depressant). I had forgotten how jittery and anxious it makes me feel.
I am also starting to feel very nervous…even scared…about my upcoming surgery. I don’t know why it’s suddenly come on so hard.
Well, I’d better get going to work…I’m running late.
In an effort to help combat my obesity, I have decided to have Bariatric Bypass Surgery. I am too heavy for the scale I have at home, but the last time I was at the doctor (11 days ago) I weighed in at 402 lbs (I am 6′1″ tall). My goal is to lose 220 lbs. I go under the knife on Monday, March 31st.
The procedure, also called Gastric Bypass surgery and more technically referred to as Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass (RGB), serves to restrict both food intake and the amount of calories and nutrients the body absorbs. During the operation, the surgeon creates a small stomach pouch to restrict food intake. Next, a Y-shaped section of the small intestine is attached to the pouch to allow food to bypass the lower stomach, the duodenum (the first segment of the small intestine), and the first portion of the jejunum (the second segment of the small intestine). This reduces the amount of calories and nutrients the body absorbs.
Welcome to my blog, Fully Half Empty. My name is Russell and I am morbidly obese. In the coming months, I will be going through some tremendous lifestyle changes in an effort to combat my obesity. I’ve decided that having a blog to share my trials and tribulations to an audience, even a very limited one, will help me be accountable to myself and my goals. I am hopeful that the act of writing down my thoughts, fears, successes and failures will be therapeutic and provide some level of self-guidance.
